I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
