Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
