Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
