it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
