I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
