Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
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I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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