Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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