And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I supernannyed him into submission
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