Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
