Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
