why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
BRING THE BAGELS
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
