she looked like the before picture.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
