i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
