So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
