I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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