I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
His hands were made for my vagina.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
