K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
