hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
