a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Enjoy the penises
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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