i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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