On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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