and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
