i jhust puked up my retainher.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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