cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
