guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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