I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
