She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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