I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
