new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
