I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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