currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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