if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
