You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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