Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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