every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
