i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
