Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
