I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
