here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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