Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
