Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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