I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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