I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
