we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
