I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
