Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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