I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
sarcasm needs its own font
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
