Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I got chris browned last night
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
