Umm I'm too high to move.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
you never un-have a 4some
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
