Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
