Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
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i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
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Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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