Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
