So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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