Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
