dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
