Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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