i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We're too hungover to prance.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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