im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
sarcasm needs its own font
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
