Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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