its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
