9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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