Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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